rhythmic reverie

it’s simple, really, once you realize your worth and the value of a happy state that you have the power to be. from you, for you.

i know, it seems a lot easier said than done to think you can just turn on a switch and be something you aren’t feeling. but you can. i use to think happiness is solely a feeling, but i’ve come to realize it’s also a mode of being. something you have the power to be. and i think it’s much more valuable to be than to just feel something. it’s a part of who you are, and it can help ease any painful feelings that you otherwise can’t switch off. you can hold yourself accountable to it, turn it back on when it shuts off, rebuild it if it breaks.

i’m not undermining feelings or saying to neglect them — they’re powerful and should be fully felt. i’m not saying to stop feeling anxious or sad or lonely or hurt or scared or whatever else you might be. but be happy, too. things, events, people, etc. can make you feel that, but nothing can define you being happy, no matter the circumstances, except yourself. it’s freeing, helps lessen the pain of, well, pain, and allows us to discover the value of sharing it with someone in the same state. happiness shouldn’t be a goal, and we shouldn’t be setting any goals to achieve it. just be happy.

you need to break down your walls and believe in your worth, quit resorting to seclusion anytime you’re faced with uncertainty, fear and obstacles, and stop making excuses and telling yourself you’re better off alone or without happiness. my happy state was shut off, turned into nothing but a memory. i remember it, but the pleasure that came with it vanished, or became fused with so much agony that i’ve forgotten what it’s really like. i’ve always known nothing comes easily and gently, but i never knew happiness can coincide with so much pain.

and i keep floating amidst the days. it’s what we all do, seamlessly and desperately hiding our misery out of fear of displaying a sliver of vulnerability. despite that being the one thing that could likely free us and make us feel a little less lonely in a grim world. we try as hard as we can to prove, because we’re evidently so sure, that we are some singular, special being, when really we’re all riding the same treacherous rollercoaster we fasten ourselves in. this is not ignorance or selfishness, no; it’s our incapability or unwillingness to connect with one another. we choose to settle and be alone. it’s no surprise, really, when we can barely connect with and be ourselves. we’ve built an unwavering capacity and self-destructive complacency of putting on a front: wearing smiles and rose-colored glasses to filter out anything that makes us even the slightest bit uncomfortable. and hearts keep quietly breaking all around us. but nothing can filter out the weighted feel and piercing thump of your own heart shattering over and over. and we allow ourselves to be this way.

i know i am worthy of and very much desire things like being in love and being happy, which i’ve genuinely been, and it’s likely why i’m more vulnerable than i’m comfortable with. we can’t selectively choose what we feel and what we don’t, but we can decide what we do with those feelings, and how they lead us to be who we are, how we live and who we connect with. if we filter out the bad, we can’t expect to take in the good. by choosing to not live through clear vision, we’re preventing ourselves from the good we’re worthy of giving and receiving.

we can also choose to be alone, sure, but we can’t anticipate taking comfort in solitude to be our golden ticket to a better life; nobody is meant to be alone. it’s an easy yet desolate escape outside of what reality has waiting for us, both the good and bad. it’s an open invitation for our demons to dominate and destroy the good we’re meant for. isolation will never diminish demons. and yes, we can be absolutely have happiness while being alone, but what’s the ultimate value in that? it’s like how you shouldn’t fall in love with someone who says they’d rather be alone; they’ll never need you because they’ve learned to not need anyone. they’ve chosen to be alone. we shouldn’t rely on others for happiness; i never have, for good reason, but i’ve always enjoyed sharing the happiness i’ve created for myself with someone who’s also created it for themselves. there’s immense value in that.

a friend once told me “just be happy; if not now, when?” and at first it seemed nonsensical how you can just be something good when you’ve been feeling the polar opposite. but that’s the thing, there’s no off switch to how we feel — i feel and i feel hard and that can take over me most times. i’ve come to accept that. but i’ve also come to accept that i can choose to be better, stronger than how i feel, and i know that can help guide me to a somewhat easier, or at least more manageable, life. there’s no recipe to it. you’re either happy or not, because you’ve chosen to be or not. it’s up to you. i always did feel the most beautiful, capable and free when i allowed myself to be happy, to be me.