i wanted more than anything to
carve a space for myself in your
world, a sanctuary to rest my heart
and warm yours. instead, you
carved a dark and lonely land
hollowed out inside my chest,
leaving me in fear that the world
would no longer turn.
I like to remember you touching my hand and smiling,
using the heat of your body to warm the ice of my skin.
I remember telling each other a thousand and one things
that were irresponsible, unexplainable, irrational and
compromising. We had all the reasons in the world to
walk away from one another that only drew us closer
together. We were practically strangers who found comfort
in each other’s emptiness, touching each other’s reflections
in the glass; we were afraid to shatter. But we hugged each
other tightly, with smiling eyes of acceptance and words
filled with promises. I loved the warm comfort of being
by your side. I loved the innocent sound you’d make in
your breath when you’d laugh. I loved the gentle gaze
reflected in your eyes no matter what you were doing.
And the look on everyone’s face when you’d shoot
me a not-so-secret smile was a treasure. I suppose I still
have trouble grasping the difficulty of this piercing
realization: the world still spins with you not around.
This discovery that the world continues to stretch and
expand and grow is something I never thought I’d have
to experience without you. But ultimately, you ended
up making me feel alone and afraid. And I’ve outgrown
living my life in fear from someone who was
afraid of loving me.